“Mine eyes are weighed down by my transgressions O Lord, and I cannot lift them up and see the height of heaven! Receive me in repentance as the Publican O Savior and have mercy on me!”
Dearest Brothers and Sisters in Christ, welcome to the Lenten Triodion! Today we officially and literally open the book on our upcoming Lenten Journey through the desert of our tears.
Last week, we were reminded of the “one thing that is needful” as we begin this journey; the need to emulate the desire of Zacchaeus to be with Christ. If we want to be successful on the path to holiness, we have to want to be on the path in the first place! We have “to yearn after the Lord and to seek him with tears” as St. Silouan so beautifully said throughout his life.
We know however, from the experiences of the Saints, that desire alone is not enough. In the Gospel presented to us on this first week of the Triodion, we hear of two men worshiping in the temple who both desired to be with God! The pharisee followed all the fasting rules! He tithed his possessions. He came to the temple to pray! A man who has no desire to see God doesn’t get this far! Yet our Lord tells us today that this is where the Pharisee’s journey towards holiness ended, because he lacked the ability to see himself as he truly was: Very far from the Kingdom of God.
Our Lord never told us too much about the publican. We know he was a tax collector, and typically these were not men of high moral character. But regardless of how he lived his life until then, he too shared a desire to be with God, because he was in the Church beating his breast and saying: “God be merciful to me a sinner!”
Two men with desire, but only one who had the humility to see that he still had a long way to go to live up to his potential as an adopted son of God. Here in lies the next step on our spiritual journey dear ones! After we establish the will to draw closer to Christ, we humbly look at our lives and how much time we have wasted in laziness and sin. We beat our breast in our journey towards repentance, echoing the words of the Publican in the Gospel: “God be merciful to me a sinner!”
There is a very powerful text written by St. Ephraim the Syrian that always comes to mind when this Sunday comes around. It comes from his spiritual psalter, which dates back to the earliest centuries of the Church. The prayer is called: “I Cannot Manage My Own Self: Grant Me the Spirit of Repentance”, and it describes rather beautifully what true and daily humility looks like. St. Ephraim writes:
“Before Your Glory, O Christ my Savior, I will announce all my misconduct and confess the infinitude of Your Mercies, which You pour out upon me according to Your kindness.
From my mother’s womb, I began to grieve You, and utterly have I disregarded Your grace. I have neglected my soul! You O my Master, according to the multitude of Your mercies, has regarded all of my wickedness with patience and kindness. Your grace has lifted up my head, but daily it is brought low by my sins.
Bad habits entangle me like snares, and I rejoice at being enslaved by them. I sink to the very depths of evil, and this delights me. Daily, the enemy gives me new shackles, for he sees how this variety of bonds pleases me.
The fact that I am bound by my own desires should provoke weeping and lamentation…shame and disgrace. Yet, more terrible is the fact that I bind myself with the shackles that the enemy places upon me, and I slay myself with the passions that give him pleasure.
Although I know how dreadful these shackles are, I hide behind them with a noble appearance for all who might see me. I appear to be robed in the beautiful clothes of reverence, but my soul is entangled with shameful thoughts. Before all who might see, I am reverent, but inside I am filled with all manner of indecency.
My conscience accuses mem of all this, and I act as if I wish to be freed from my shackles. Every day I worry and sigh over this, yet I remain bound by the same snares.
How pitiful I am; and how pitiful is my daily repentance, for it has no firm foundation. Every day I lay a foundation for the building, and again with my own hands I demolish it.
My repentance has not even made a good beginning…and yet there is no end to my wicked negligence. I have become a slave to passions and to the evil will of the enemy who destroys me.
Who will give the water to my head, and the founts to my eyes for tears, so that I may ever weep before You O merciful God, that You might sent Your Grace and draw me, a sinner, out of the sea that is furious with the waves of sin that every hour, convulses my soul? For my desires are worse than wounds that cannot be bandaged.
I wait, hoping for repentance and deceive myself with this vain promise until my death. Ever do I say: “I will repent”, but never do I repent. My words give the appearance of heartfelt repentance, but in deed I am always far from repentance.
What will happen to me in the day of the trial when God unveils all things in His court?! Certainly, I shall be sentenced to torment, if here I have not moved You to mercy O my Judge, by my tears.
I hope on Your mercies O Lord. I fall at Your feet and beseech You. Grant me the spirit of repentance and lead my soul out of the dungeon of iniquity! May a ray of light shine in my mind before I go to the terrible judgment which awaits me, where there is no opportunity to repent of one’s wicked deeds.”
Beloved Brothers and Sisters in Christ, this second step in our journey towards Pascha requires us echo the publican and that of St. Ephraim, and to bow down low, realizing just how far we have taken ourselves away from God. We do this knowing that the measure of our repentance is also the measure of our joy! How low we humble ourselves during Great Lent will be how high we experience the Grace of Pascha; a joy which cannot be echoed by anything you can find on the earth! May our Lord grant us that joy which surpasses all human understanding!